It's never easy
by Commander Kurt
Summary: Being the galaxy's last line of defense, its' only line of defense, would seem like a full-time job for most. But for Commander Shepard, it's never that easy. As friend turns to foe, things just got a bit more complicated. Post-ME2, Shenko.
1. Chapter 1

Authors' note;

Yeah, couldn't keep away. This is a sequel to "Between the lines", and although that fic is abit unpolished I do recommend reading it (it's short).

Heaps of thanks goes to Skeasel, my shiny new beta, for adding the finishing touches!

All rights belong to Bioware of course.

* * *

Slowly stirring from sleep, Shepard reached out her hand and found nothing but cool, smooth fabric against her fingertips. She wasn't surprised, not really, this was something of a morning habit for her and he was never there. _Just a dream then. Stupid._

She opened her eyes and threw a glance at the clock on her nightstand. _04.12. The night shift will still be on._ She could allow herself to drift back into that delectable dream where Kaidan had been waiting for her, holding her. Reassuring her. But the cold feeling of an empty bed crept into her spine and made her shiver, causing the decision to get up to be an easy one. Besides, she knew better than most that the dreams you get aren't always the ones you longed for.

After a quick shower, she put some clothes on and gathered the elevator to take her down to the mess. While riding it, she tried to assess the situation. They would need a safe port for repairs, that would have to be Item Number 1 on her to-do list. After that, she really didn't know. Thinking about it made her realize how similar she and Thane had truly been. While still taking full accountability for her actions, she had always been a weapon for someone else to aim and wield. Now she was on her own, and that's how she felt; aimless. Pulling in a ragged breath, she wondered if that was the reason why she hadn't told the Illusive Man off earlier. After all, what good is a weapon if no one is pointing it in the right direction and firing it?

Shrugging off those thoughts as the elevator came to a halt she made her way to get some breakfast. Gardner probably wouldn't be up, although he sometimes surprised her, but there was always something prepared if anyone was hungry.

Turning around the corner, she stopped dead in her footsteps.

Kaidan hadn't heard her approaching and was still lost in the data pads he was reading when she entered the mess. She didn't move, didn't even breathe, afraid that it might somehow make him disappear. A small frown on his forehead and a hand tousling his dark hair indicated that he was deep in concentration, and those kind brown eyes were rapidly sifting through the information before him. He had, in fact, never looked more handsome to her. Finally, he looked up and seeing her just standing there, he smiled.

"You okay?"

Swallowing hard, she managed an apprehensive smile of her own. "Yeah, sure. Hi." With her legs back to working order, she walked over to get a pack of juice and a sandwich. _Not a dream then. Huh. _Sitting down next to him, she cast a curious look at the data pads scattered over most of the table. "So what's this?" He sighed and unconsciously started rubbing his neck. "Just sitreps from the Stalingrad. I had someone run over with them since I figured I'll be here for a while." He looked up at her and straightened slightly in his seat. "Ma'am."

She just laughed softly, the address reminding her of all the times she would walk into the mess of the old Normandy early in the morning to find him sitting there, and the long, intimate conversations that would follow. She wanted to reach out and touch him, just to make sure he was really there, and before her brain could react to stop her she had laid a hand on his arm.

"Please, _Commander_, you're not my subordinate anymore. Just call me Saviour of the Citadel."

He chuckled at that, secretly letting out a sigh of relief that things felt at least somewhere close to natural between them. "I'll try to remember that. Ma'am."

He hadn't been sure how to act around her, not knowing where they stood with each other or how to proceed. In all its nerve-racking awkwardness, it was pretty close to starting anew which felt rather strange given that he knew he loved her and that she loved him. _You just don´t know if that will be enough._ Shepard, however, did as she always would; plowed straight through without a doubt. Smiling at the thought of her relentless nature, he noted that her hand was still resting on his arm. That caused his smile to grow wider.

"Gone for a few hours and…" Her voice trailed off as she paused to count the data pads. "...twelve sitreps. For a stationary vessel." She let out a whistle, half impressed and half amused. "You sure do run a tight ship, Commander." He hated the blush he could feel touch his cheeks, and the need he felt to explain himself to his former CO. "It's my first command, and I guess I want to keep a close eye on everything. Besides, I haven't been back there since yesterday, and..." Seeing the questioning look in her eyes, he cut himself short. "I stayed in your quarters for the night."

_So what are you doing out of my quarters now, Kaidan?_ She wanted to speak the thought out loud, but she knew things would be complicated for a while. There was a lot of healing that needed doing, on both of their accounts, and she could be patient when necessary.

The disapproving look on her face caught him by surprise, and made him wonder if he was reading the situation properly. Maybe he was just flattering himself, thinking that she still wanted him after the conversation they had yesterday? "I... Uh, bunked on the floor. You fell asleep and I…" Her hand slid down his arm to lightly squeeze his, silently reassuring him. It was just a small, comforting gesture, but the touch sent a shiver through his body. However, it also managed to achieve its objective, and he offered her a skewed smirk and a shrug. "I couldn't stand leaving you." Encouraged by the pleased smile on her face, he kept talking.

"Look, I understand that we have _a lot_ to figure out if we are going to be able to, uh, work together." He coughed awkwardly, again blushing like a schoolgirl, and she had to stifle a laugh. "But I want to try. Although I really should warn you, I'm sorely out of practice in the whole flirting department."

Letting the laugh escape her lips, Shepard leaned back in her chair slightly and took the first sip of her juice. "Then I guess I can't count on you being as smooth as you used to."

vVvVvVv

Miranda, not knowing that only a thin wall separated her from Shepard and Alenko as they kept talking and laughing out in the mess, violently slammed her fist against her desk.

"I'm not doing it. The Commander would never succumb to petty threats, and even if she did, I won't be the one making them." She shook her head, emphasizing her refusal even though she knew the connection was audio only.

"Don't disappoint me, Miranda." The voice of the Illusive Man sounded mildly irritated. "I need Shepard to stay motivated and it seems like a perfect opportunity has just presented itself." He exhaled before continuing, and she could picture the wall of smoke leaving his mouth. "You know I was hoping that it wouldn't come to this, but she has left me no other choice. You _will_ remind her of what Cerberus has done for her, and of what Cerberus is capable of doing should she not comply." She could hear the scraping sound from a chair as he apparently rose to his feet. "Actually, you would be wise to remember the same thing."

At that, the connection cut.


	2. Chapter 2

She sat for hours, occasionally running her hands through her hair as she racked her brain for a way out. Miranda knew that if there was one, she would find it. There was no doubt in her mind as to what the Illusive Man had meant; help get Shepard back or you'll lose Oriana. And my Lord was it tempting. She still believed in Cerberus. Still believed that it was the right place for Shepard to be: humanity's best chance for survival. This turn of events didn't really surprise her either, had she not been on the Normandy for all this time she probably would have suggested it herself. But she had been, and thus she knew that success was impossible.

Then she started thinking about what the Illusive Man had said, and she searched her memory trying to recall the mission report that was now clamoring for her attention at the back of her mind: Virmire. The decision to prioritize the ranking officer would never have caught her attention had it not been for the lengthy explanations for doing it. Eyes widening as the implications dawned on her, Miranda realized that Alenko's presence onboard was indeed an opportunity. Maybe she didn't have to choose between Commander Shepard and Cerberus. Maybe Shepard could actually be persuaded, keeping both the crew and Oriana safe. She contemplated this for a few moments before rejecting it with a heavy sigh. A true leader anticipated casualties. A true soldier accepted sacrifice and loss. Shepard was nothing if not those two things.

Knowing that all was lost, she opened her terminal and started typing a message.

'Dear Oriana,

Once you're finished reading this note, your life will never be the same again…'

vVvVvVvVvVvVvVv

Shepard was beginning to grow impatient, arms crossed over her chest and leaning heavily on her left foot as she waited. She had called together a few members of her team, the ones she considered in her mind to be her officers, to discuss their options. Garrus was there, Jacob, and she had invited Alenko to join them, but Miranda of all people was running late. Just as they were about to start without her she strode into the Communications Room as if she had ordered the meeting herself, causing Shepard's blood to boil.

Miranda wasted no time. "We have a problem that I need to go over with the Commander. This meeting will be adjourned until further notice."

Shepard felt her jaw drop, and a quick glance around the room confirmed that everyone else was reacting in a similar fashion. She cleared her throat while silently counting to ten. "We certainly do have a problem, Miranda." Garrus shifted uncomfortably at the calm tone of her voice. "If you Gentlemen would excuse us."

As shock released the men from their paralysis, Kaidan was the first to move, effortlessly sliding back into the role of her second in command. "Aye aye, Ma'am. We'll wait in the mess until called for."

Once they were alone, Miranda relaxed slightly. The cold, dismissive face she usually wore was replaced by one of sincere apology. "I'm sorry, Commander. But you need to know that the Illusive Man will be sending you a message shortly."

Shepard immediately found her composure after the initial surprise and swore under her breath, already knowing the answer to the question she was about to ask. "What kind of message?"

"I don't know. I suspect he might be going after Alenko, but your whole crew is probably in danger." Miranda looked her straight in the eye. "He wants you and the Normandy back, Shepard. I guess that was why he didn't want you fitted with a control chip. He didn't think he'd need one."

The commander reached up and rubbed her neck in thought. "Yeah, well that was his first mistake." Her eyes slowly, methodically, wandered the room, searching for something to look just the tiniest bit out of place. "Do you think we're bugged?"

Miranda shrugged, following her gaze. "Probably. It doesn't matter. The whole point of this exercise is you finding out that he wants you back and that your crew is being threatened. Me telling you this doesn't change anything."

Shepard turned and headed for the exit. "I still want the ship swept, EDI. Get Mordin to help you."

"Yes, Shepard."

Miranda stopped her before she had a chance to leave. "Then I take it you trust the Doctor."

Slowly turning around, Shepard frowned. "Implicitly." Saying nothing more, she waited for her XO to continue.

"Even with the people on this ship that are sure not to be loyal to Cerberus, you need to ask yourself if anyone here is above caring for loved ones or money." The grave expression on her face revealed no hint of emotion, nor did her voice, and Shepard found herself starting to resent the cold mind that lent itself to such flawless reasoning. She knew deep down in her heart that she was being unfair, she knew it was just an act, but she couldn't help it. Miranda was right, but she was also insulting her crew. _And being a bitch about it. _"You sure seem to be."

A condescending snort was the reward for that comment. "Money doesn't matter to me, Shepard. And my only loved one is almost grown up and just as smart and resourceful as I am." A wistful sigh belied the confidence in her words, and Miranda kept her arms crossed over her chest as if already trying to shield herself from the painful news she saw in her future. "Still, it was not an easy decision."

Not having anticipated this sudden display of vulnerability, Shepard immediately regretted her snide remark. "I'm sorry, Miranda. And I do appreciate what you're doing here." Taking a step back towards her, Shepard reached for her shoulder but the moment had passed.

Miranda looked up at her, face even and unfeeling once again, and cocked an eyebrow. "So what are your orders, Commander?"

Letting her hand fall without connecting with its target, Shepard let out the breath she had been holding. "We'll need to slim down the size of the crew to a bare minimum, that's our first order of business. The less people involved in this mess the better." She rolled her shoulders and stretched her neck while trying to formulate a plan. "That goes for my team as well. I'll talk to Commander Alenko, see if he can't take the surplus over to the Stalingrad and get them out of my hair. And EDI, cut all extranet and external communications effective immediately. You pick up any signals emanating from this ship whatsoever, you tell me about it."

"Of course, Shepard."

Pausing for thought, she tilted her head to the side slightly. "Sweeping the Normandy, perhaps also the Stalingrad, for bugs is still high on my list, but that can be a later concern. For now, I suppose you should go get the boys, Miranda. We have a lot of work to do."

* * *

A/N;

Thanks for taking the time to review (if you do), getting feedback really is lovely!


	3. Chapter 3

Naturally, I own nothing of this.

Thanks to everyone reading and reviewing this, and to my wonderful beta Skeasel who is helping me, alot!

* * *

"So, is everyone clear on what we're dealing with here?" Commander Shepard let her eyes rest on Miranda, Jacob and Garrus in turn, the message in them impossible to miss: trust no one. Every military crew had its defining moment, the moment that would either break it or forge it together. She thought theirs had been the mission to the Collector Base, but as she pondered the situation they were in she realized it was this one. Fear would always be a dangerous adversary in battle, but distrust was a lethal poison. Slowly eating away at the hearts of those afflicted, it would eventually get you killed as surely as a bullet to the skull.

Finally turning to the fourth participant in the meeting, she managed a weak smile. "I know you get this a lot, Commander, but you really do need to work on your timing."

Kaidan just smiled back at her, his gaze perfectly steady. "I disagree, Ma'am. If anything, I would say that my timing is impeccable."

After shooting him a thankful look, Shepard turned her attention back to cover the whole group. "We keep this on the low 'n down for as long as possible. With any luck, we'll manage to find and neutralize the threat in time." She cut herself off abruptly, not wanting to say anything more to call attention to the gamble she was making.

"Commander, are you sure this is a good idea?" Jacob scowled at her, barely managing to keep his anger in check. "People deserve a heads-up, might allow them to defend themselves if need be." He eyed the others, searching for support, while leaning heavily on the counter in the centre of the communications room. There was no way of denying it, he was disappointed in her. Sure, they were in dire straits and he could understand her not giving in to Cerberus, but lying to her crew and claiming it was for their own good? _Where have I heard that before?_

"And how will you justify moving most of them to the Stalingrad?" Kaidan shook his head. "I just don't see how withholding the truth would be beneficial."

Shepard remained silent, once again reassessing her options. Knowing about the treat would not make the crew any safer; thinking that it would was naïve. More likely, signaling their awareness and able defenses would only provoke a higher level of aggression from her attackers at this point in the game. She wanted to buy them time before the gloves came off, and before trust between people currently relying on each other to survive dissipated like morning fog. She knew that they would come to need that time. However, keeping the threat a secret would ultimately cost her their loyalty and affection. Mournfully, she looked at Jacobs's stiff stance and forced herself to meet the fire in his eyes. It could not be helped. _Well played, Timmy. One down._

"I'm not happy about it either, trust me on that. But freaking everyone out is just playing into the Illusive Man's hands. I realize that we will have to deal with the fear and the panic eventually, but every moment we gain betters our chances of beating this."

Her stomach dropped as no one in the room would meet her gaze, but then she shook off the sinking feeling of resignation and straightened her posture. This was not enough to beat her. It couldn't be. As she spoke again, her voice was firm.

"We set course for the Citadel. I need to run this by Councilor Anderson and speak to the Council regarding the Collectors. Commander Alenko, if you agree on the destination we will rendezvous there."

Kaidan kept his eyes locked on his feet, but his frown spoke volumes. "Ma'am."

Feeling that her patience was starting to run thin, Shepard spoke up.

"Joker, are you getting this?"

"Yes, Commander, plotting a course for the Citadel now." Joker's voice over the com system was perfectly innocent. "And for what it's worth, I'm totally with you on this one. Actually, I volunteer to scoot over to the Stalingrad myself, just to show my support."

Smiling in spite of herself, she had to struggle to keep her voice stern.

"I'm disappointed in you, Moreau. You'd just abandon EDI to fend for herself?"

EDIs blue orb flickered to life in the center of the room.

"Actually, I agree with Jeff's assessment. He is the most logical target for a possible aggressor due to the combination of physical impairment and the nature of his personality."

They could all hear Joker muttering under his breath as he turned the com off.

The short interlude eased the tension that had been building, and Shepard turned back to her teammates, her friends, with newfound confidence. They would find a way to do this without anyone getting hurt.

"You are dismissed, people."

Following Miranda and Garrus out, Jacob hesitated when he passed her as if wanting to say something. Then he shot a look at Alenko still standing at the far end of the room, apparently not leaving. Shaking his head, Jacob picked up the pace instead and almost slammed into her shoulder as he strode by. Shepard followed him with her eyes until the door closed, sensing his anger but utterly helpless to ease it. Instead, she turned to Kaidan with a plagued expression on her face.

"Is there anything else, Alenko?"

He hesitantly walked across the room to stand next to her, wanting to put his arms around her but not quite able to muster up the courage. Instead, he just stood there shifting his feet uncomfortably and feeling rather stupid.

"Well, to start with, I'm not ecstatic about you sending me away. Again." Attentively he searched the depth of her eyes, and somewhere near what seemed to be the bottom of her soul he found the hurt and rage he was hoping for. Her Commander persona had always scared him a little, that rock hard determination and "get the job done" attitude. But it had been intertwined with genuine compassion and she got the job done right, not fast. During the few talks they'd had since her… return, he had noticed something new about her. Something jaded and hardened, and he didn't much care for it.

Holding up his hand to stop the protests forming on her lips, Kaidan continued.

"…but, I understand it. The Stalingrad is my responsibility, and you've got your own to worry about." His eyes turned hard, unyielding. "You will let me back in though, at the Citadel?"

Her voice caught in her throat, and she suddenly noticed how close he was standing. Damn, but the man was attractive when he put his foot down like this. She closed her eyes and let out a soft breath, hoping that cutting off the visual would somehow allow her access to her brain again.

"Yes."

Something in the answer caught his attention, and he studied her with suspicion. Understanding spread across his face as soon as it hit him, and he quickly took a step back from her.

"You actually weren't going to, were you?"

That effectively broke the spell, and collecting herself she calmly met his still doubtful gaze.

"No."

"I don't believe you." He stared at her, unable to decide whether to yell at her or just walk away. "Why?"

Now it was her turn to study her feet, head bent and shoulders slumped. When she finally responded she sounded slightly surprised, no doubt expecting him to realize the answer for himself.

"Because they'll hurt you. They'll do that no matter where you are of course, but if you're not here I won't have to see it."

He half expected to see tears as she looked up at him, but naturally there were none. Instead, he was slightly taken aback by the blazing and now unveiled fury lighting up her eyes. It was completely at odds with the flatness of her voice as she continued.

"They won't kill you though. Your arrival and the Illusive Man's timing are too much of a coincidence for me not to realize that he's drawn an ace and knows it. The other crew isn't so lucky. I'll most likely watch some of them die due to my decision." Her voice broke slightly. "And in the end, they'll know that I made that choice."

Kaidan held her gaze for a moment, then ran a hand through his hair and started pacing as the full scope of their predicament threatened to overwhelm him. She watched him move, taking in the understated power with which he carried himself. Suddenly, he stopped in front of her.

"You know that I have complete confidence in your abilities, right?"

She nodded her response, curious about where he was going with this.

"So, we'll get through this." He actually smiled, surprising both her and himself. "I won't sit this one out just to make you feel better; I need to be here, but I know you. Given the right team and the right motivation, there's nothing you can't accomplish." His hand found her shoulder and he squeezed it lightly. "I've got your back."

She looked at him, lips moving without producing any sound at all as she racked her brain for a response, and in the end he couldn't help himself. He leaned in and briefly brushed his lips against hers. It was by far the dumbest, and the smartest, thing he'd ever done, and afterwards he just turned on his heel and walked away, still smiling and feeling outright invincible.


	4. Chapter 4

You know the drill, I own nothing and so on...

To eventual readers; First off, thanks for following this! Secondly, I'll be abroad for a couple of weeks so expect the next update early april.

To Skeasel; You're the best. I'm not sure I fixed it, but at least you're giving me the chance.

* * *

Calibrating the main guns had been the one thing keeping Garrus Vakarian sane during the last few weeks. Ever since Shepard had hauled his ass out of the proverbial frying pan back on Omega, he had felt tossed straight into the fire. Sure, she had done a fine job of messing up his values and his neat, black-and-white grasp of things even before she died, but everything that happened after was just crazy.

He hadn't been surprised, watching her cross that bridge through the sight of his sniper rifle. He was exhausted to the brink of delirium, and he had always known that the spirit of his old team would look like her. He had just figured that she was there to take him home, away from all this pain and death, and he had surrendered to his own demise with a disappointing sense of relief.

Or at least, that was what he'd figured until a stray bullet hit the wall inches from his face and snapped him out of it, causing him to inadvertently squeeze the trigger. He had starred down the scope, unable to quite fathom what his eyes told him. That spirit of his apparently had shields. Pulling back from the window and into cover, he'd forced his mind to make sense of what he had seen. Shepard was there, a second glance confirmed it. Not so much dead as shooting and fighting and trying to get to him. He had wondered if this was what it felt like, losing it, but then again, who cared? Either she was really saving him, or he was dying anyway.

The comfort he had taken in the thought that she would be the last thing he saw if he died that day should have told him something, but he guessed he was just dense that way. It actually took him aiming a gun at her once more to realize what she meant to him. Thoughts of revenge had turned into his personal drug of choice; considerably cheaper than red sand, and readily available even on a ship, they consumed him day and night. Of course, Shepard had known this, trying hard to talk him down every chance she got until time ran out and Sidonis was in his scope. She had known this, damn it, and yet she still threw herself between a junkie and his ultimate fix. He had actually considered shooting her at that point. Anybody else, and he would have.

Now he was trying to come to terms with everything. Sidonis had gotten away and his team was being denied justice, he was working with Cerberus, and to top it all off he was infatuated with his human commander. He had no purpose, nothing to keep him going.

He was lost on this new Normandy, confused, and so he shut her out.

He could tell how much it hurt her every time he pulled away. He felt her need for him as he joked around or claimed to be calibrating and it tore him apart, but he couldn't be there for her. He couldn't even talk to her about it. Shepard's back would never be without cover so long as he still drew breath, on this he swore, but he just couldn't be that man. That friend. So he kept calibrating.

Only this time, he knew he had to talk to her. Betrayal, distrust, and feelings of anguish and self-loathing, this was his area of expertise. Finally, he would be able to help her carry some of that weight she was hauling around.

He returned to his calibrations, waiting patiently for her to do her rounds.

vVvVvVvVvVvVvVv

Shepard caught herself gingerly touching her lips as she waited for the elevator, standing there as she were with nothing better to do than replay the kiss in her mind over and over. She threw a look around to see if anyone was watching, suddenly feeling guilty about her and Kaidan carrying on like teenagers when they were in such a scrape. At the same time, she couldn't deny being human, and she had needed that kiss. Strung as tight as she was, she was no good to anyone. Unfortunately, actually getting it had taught her that she also needed those strong arms around her, his body firm against hers, his hands…

She chuckled silently. Perhaps she would be better off not contemplating his hands, or the wonderful things he could do with them, at least for the time being. Instead, she turned her attention to the issues at hand. She would talk to her specialists first, try to get as many of them as possible off the Normandy without disclosing too much information or flat out lie to anyone. After that, she would have to run the same routine by the crew. Getting their numbers down to a skeleton crew of 16 supported by 7 specialists would be cutting it close, but they could manage even if Cerberus somehow got to EDI.

That last thought sent a series of shivers down her spine. At this point, EDI pretty much was the Normandy, and should somebody manage to seize control of her they would have an interesting problem to solve. Unlike the crew, however, that milk hadn't been spoiled yet and she would cry over it later if need be.

She had carefully selected those from her team to stay, trying to cover all her bases in regards to combat while at the same time factoring in personal issues leaving them susceptible to coercion. Shepard sent silent thanks to Liara for the dossiers she had provided making this task significantly easier. Grunt, Jack and Legion had been her first picks. Their skill sets were widely diversified, none of them had family or close ties to worry about and they would be difficult for Cerberus to buy off. Kaidan, who she had originally intended not to keep, had made his position clear during their last talk and, honestly, she was rather relieved. When the others would keep her alive, he would keep her sane. Though after that, it became a lot trickier.

Miranda and Jacob were two people she didn't really want on her team to start with, the only two actually devoted to the Cerberus cause. However, Jacob was one of the most principled people she knew, rivaled only by Alenko, and she could bet their lives on him not being the backstabbing kind. Well, she _was_ betting their lives on it. Even if he had lost all faith in her, he would not hurt the crew. Miranda… was Miranda. But unless her confession this morning was an act, and Shepard wouldn't be too surprised if it was, she had made her stand. In the end, they had both proven their loyalty to her and she needed their talent.

This left just one spot open, and she knew she was being more emotional than rational when having Garrus fill it. He had been avoiding her ever since she brought him back on the Normandy, and after she persuaded him to let Sidonis go he wouldn't talk to her at all. Finding him on Omega had made her heart jump for the first time since waking up in that lab, finally feeling a sliver of hope. But not even counting the apparent mindfuck that was her resurrection she had failed him when he needed her most, and she understood that he resented her for it. She would still go down to the Main Battery from time to time, desperate for some sort of comfort and friendship in the darkness that was her life, but he had none to offer. Shepard sighed and shook her head. They truly were a sad pair, two broken warriors unable to mend each other.

Apart from their personal problems, Shepard also knew about his mother's condition and how important she was to him. Still, he had always been her right hand man in combat and that hadn't changed. Even after Sidonis, whenever there was fighting to be done he would be waiting for her by the shuttle, suited up and ready to go. It had been awkward, once, when she felt he needed a breather and turned up with Thane and Miranda. Garrus had just looked at her for a long time, expectantly, until she told Thane there had been a change of plans.

She couldn't not trust Garrus, she didn't know how, and she couldn't bear sending him away. So he would stay.

With that thought, Shepard reached her first destination and took a deep breath. She had to steel herself for a moment before laying a hand on the shoulder of her friend, still standing with her back turned working tirelessly as always.

"Tali, do you have a minute?"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Shepard exhaled slowly. It had gone surprisingly well informing her people of the situation, dismissing those who were getting off at the Citadel and cutting all communications for the ones staying. They didn't understand, of course, neither her crew nor her team, as she hadn't explained. She just asked them to trust her and they had, without a second thought. While making her way to the bridge, she hoped that she wasn't about to betray that trust.

Joker was caught, as he always was, bickering with EDI. A_s long as they keep the marriage simulation confined to just bickering, _she thought, frowning slightly as a highly unwelcome mental image started to form. The topic of the hour was surveillance strategies and whether or not they called for cameras in the shower rooms to be effective. However, sensing her presence Joker quickly broke it off and turned his chair to face her.

"Hey, Commander, is it time for that talk you promised me? Or should I be saying my tear felt goodbyes to EDI?"

Shepard fought to keep a straight face, but Jokers grin was contagious. In the end she decided this was a battle she could afford losing and flashed him a smile of her own.

"It pains me to say it, Moreau, but it seems I still require your services. And that talk will happen, I'm just _really _taking my time counting to ten before it does." She gave him an affectionate pat on the shoulder. "Wouldn't want to shoot you in a fit of rage, seeing as how I need you and all."

Unruffled, Joker turned back to his controls but his eyes still sparkled with mirth.

"I figured as much. In the end they all require ol' Moreau's services."

She laughed while making her way out of the cockpit.

"You know I would jump at the chance, Joker. But then you'd have to tell Alenko and I'd still be short one pilot."

He didn't turn his head as she left, just raised his hand in a dismissive wave as way of reply.

vVvVvVvVvVvV

Kaidan found her at the galaxy map engaged in a heated discussion with a sweet-looking redhead. Trying to keep a respectful distance wasn't easy near the unusually bustling CIC, and despite waiting a few steps away he couldn't help overhearing what seemed to be the end of the conversation.

"This is not open for debate" Shepard sounded like this wasn't the first of these discussions she'd had that day.

"But I just know I can help." Desperation laced the redhead's voice. "Please, Commander."

Kaidan felt for her, knowing all too well the feeling of being left behind. It surprised him slightly that the crew was so reluctant to leave after their near-death run in with the Collectors, but this was Shepard after all. It was simply what she did, the effect she had on people. Suffice to say, he wasn't the man to question it.

"That's enough, Kelly." The Commanders voice was kind but firm. "I'm saying you can't." Noticing him, she gave a curt nod in his direction before turning her attention back to the conversation. "If there's nothing else..?"

Kelly lowered her head in defeat, mumbling.

"Yes, Ma'am. I mean no, Ma'am."

"Good." Shepard searched her face for a moment, then let out a weary sigh. "Kelly, listen. This is a temporary solution, and I will call on you all when things go back to normal. Now carry on."

Upon leaving, Kelly almost bumped into Kaidan. Still pouting, she gave him a vicious glance before continuing on her way. Shepard noticed it and chuckled softly as he joined her.

"The crew seem to think this is all somehow your doing." Her face brightened with good humour. "Finally, I catch a break."

The discomfort that thought caused him was blown away instantly by the warmth of her smile.

"I guess if it makes your life easier…"

"Sure does." Her eyes sparkled. "So what do you need, Soldier?"

_Well, there's an easy question, _he thought, momentarily resting his eyes on curves that were once his to touch.

"I thought I'd try to get a sense of where you're at." He readily returned her smile. "Maybe even find out where we're going if I'm lucky."

She tilted her head in that manner so characteristic for her while pondering her response.

"To be honest, I'm not quite sure. I'm hoping that Anderson might have some information on Cerberus that I can use, if not then I'll have to go see Liara." She made a little face at that notion, hardly noticeable but undeniably there, making him wonder. Liara and Shepard had been close back in the days, close enough to cause rumours – although he suspected those might be based on equal parts observation and fantasy, a gorgeous asari and a stunning female CO could no doubt have that effect on a bunch of marines. For his own part, he'd already been too personally involved to get much pleasure from the thought, although he could certainly see the appeal.

She looked at him sternly, as if guessing where his thoughts were straying. He straightened his posture, but quietly held her gaze until she picked up where she left off.

"I just need a loose end, Kaidan. Somewhere to start pulling."

Motioning him to walk with her, she turned to the elevator. Kaidan quickly fell back into old habits and positioned himself one step behind and to the left of her while going up.

"But what's the plan?" He kept his eyes glued to the floor, refusing to fall back into other, more tantalizing, habits as well. "How do we even fix this?"

Shepard glanced at him over her shoulder.

"I take that illusive bastard out." Her voice was that of a person planning to walk the dog or water the plants. "I didn't think he'd threaten my crew, he never struck me as someone that short sighted, but he's forcing my hand on this one."

Somehow Kaidan doubted it would be as easy as she made it sound.

"You don't think this might be a trap? We could just be playing into his hands, you know."

"Are you suggesting that I believe what Cerberus wants me to believe? Perhaps I'm being manipulated?" She raised a questioning eyebrow while a tired smile touched her lips. "Wow, that's a new one."

That caught him by surprise, usually she was the kind of person to go out of her way to spare people's life after they'd tried their very best to kill her. He wasn't expecting her to hold a grudge.

"I haven't properly apologized for that, have I?"

The elevator let them off at the top level and, still silent, she led him into her cabin. He hadn't been there since their argument and the night he'd spent on the floor. That time he had been too focused on her to notice much else, but now he took a look around and marvelled at the size of the place. Ultimately, his eyes fell on a framed picture sitting on her desk and he felt a small twinge of pain when he saw that it was of him. Her eyes followed his gaze and she smiled.

"Actually, don't bother. I was a bit relieved to find someone who reacted at all, to be honest. I thought I was going crazy when everyone just fell in line." She was absently biting her lip in thought. "As for your previous concern, of course I suspect it's a trap. I'm just failing to see any viable alternatives."

He thought about it for a moment and was eventually forced to agree. The Illusive Man and Cerberus had too wide a net to ever feel safe if they decided to go down that road, and apparently they just had. Still, making an enemy of Commander Shepard was a mistake that a staggering few lived to regret. In his mind, Kaidan wondered what the Illusive Man was really after.

Shepard studied him while his thoughts were adrift, wondering how the two years she's been gone had shaped him. Time has a similar effect on a man's mind as water has on a landscape; it chisels out the strong parts, smoothing and moulding them, while corroding weaker areas and making them treacherous to navigate. He had seemed so young then to her, filled with awe and humour and bravado. On the other hand, looking back now so had she.

After a moment of companionable silence, both being enveloped in their own musings, their eyes finally met and Kaidan reluctantly started making for the elevator. The people who were jumping ship would have been properly relocated by now and the fuel transfer had been complete for hours. He needed to get back. He realized that she hadn't exactly filled him in on the details of her plans, but she hadn't shut him out either and, for now, that was good enough.

"Guess I'll see you on the Citadel."

She smiled at him as he left.

"Safe sailing, Commander."

* * *

A/N; Thanks for reading, guys. Also, as always, thanks to Skeasel for beta reading.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N; Really sorry about the slow updates, hope you guys haven't given up already!

* * *

Her orders had been clear; compromise their location on regular intervals and avoid detection at all cost. She looked down at the collection of miniature tracking devices in her hand, only one was missing, and with an expert motion she activated them all.

She had failed. No longer present on the Normandy, she had no way of carrying out her objective and now she was forced to improvise.

She knew that the signal would be delayed, giving her ample time to dispose of the devices with the waste launch due in a couple of minutes. If the Stalingrad was scanning for unauthorized signal transmissions the tracking devices would have already left the ship when they started emitting information. Hopefully, receiving all the signals simultaneously would alert The Illusive Man of her predicament.

All that was left for her to do now was to prove beyond a doubt where her loyalties lay.

vVvVvVvVvVvVvVvV

Tali was alternating between stages of hurt, rage, and confusion. She had been with Shepard every step of the way, even when it meant working with Cerberus, only to be sent away now. Keelah, it was infuriating!

It had been good seeing Kaidan again, though. Apparently, he too had been left out, or maybe he had chosen to stay out; she hadn't been with Shepard on Horizon, but Garrus had filled her in and Tali got the feeling he and Shepard had a major falling out. She had been surprised to hear about it at first, the two of them had always seemed very close, but now she started to understand. Maybe Cerberus had changed Shepard after all.

She hadn't even finished the thought before she regretted it. Shepard had done so much for her, more than anyone else in her life ever had. This was just all so frustrating.

Shaking her head with disgust, Tali tried to will her thoughts toward brighter grounds. Maybe staying cooped up in this room was a bad idea; it gave her far too much time to brood, and Kaidan had invited her to take a look at his engines after all.

Making the decision, Tali activated her omni-tool and jumped off the cot. She studied the readout of the ship, easily identifying the engine controls, and started making her way there. With something to occupy her mind, her mood instantly changed for the better as she took a left by the stairs and navigated down the right corridor.

vVvVvVvVvVvVvVv

She had been biding her time all afternoon, taking long walks throughout the ship and cheerfully chatting with other people from the Normandy who were doing the same. She was trying to get a visual of the target, and her lack of success thus far was starting to grate on her nerves. Forcing herself to take a deep breath, she resumed her composure.

There was still time.

At least there was no challenge in remaining inconspicuous. Almost the entire crew of the Normandy had been reassigned to the Stalingrad, but with nothing for them to do most were just wandering about, exchanging speculation and gossip.

It made it easy for her to blend in, but it also offered some sense of normality; a much needed relief for her badly strained mind. As all Cerberus operatives, she had of course received basic combat training and had even proved to be quite a skilled assassin when her assignments called for it. However, her natural affinities lay elsewhere and so did the bulk of her education.

Once again strolling casually by the staircases connecting navigation controls with engineering, her patience was finally rewarded as she caught a glimpse of her mark disappearing down one of the corridors. Trying hard not to contemplate what the Commander would think of her after finding out, she turned down the same corridor careful to keep a distance.

She knew where they were headed, no need to rush now.

vVvVvVvVvVvVvVvVv

It felt strangely reassuring having all these humans gallivanting around the ship with no apparent purpose. Of course, they weren't quarian, but it still made her feel more at home than the eerily empty Normandy had.

Tali kept consulting her omni-tool for directions as she went. She wasn't as bad as Shepard, thankfully. Keelah, the wild duck chases – goose chases? – that woman would lead them on! Omega was especially horrible, and Tali would have her work cut out for her trying not to laugh as Garrus, looking absolutely miserable the whole time, tirelessly kept nudging their commander in the right direction.

It had been easier with the old team. Ashley would just steer Shepard straight and even tease her about it afterwards. Tali guessed Garrus was too good a turian to do the same.

She missed the old days. The spirit had been lighter, and they had been more a band of starry-eyed friends discovering the galaxy together than the world-weary professionals now hanging out on the Normandy. Except most of them weren't there anymore, Tali corrected herself. Much like her.

Back then, Shepard would rarely bring her on missions, but she had been fine with just tagging along. She suspected Shepard thought that she was too young, or maybe too soft, and in the end she was right. Tali hadn't been a fighter and she enjoyed staying back on the Normandy with Adams and the other engineers. Occasionally an assignment would come along involving the need for more advanced tech than Garrus or Kaidan could handle and Shepard would call on her. During those times, she spent most of the mission trying to keep her head down as Shepard and Ash caused their own particular brand of mayhem.

Things were different now. Shepard still caused mayhem, maybe even more so than before, but Tali could hold her own in a fire fight and was brought along more often than not. And still she had been sent away while those Cerberus bosh'tet' s remained by Shepards side! It just wasn't right. She made a mental note to talk to Kaidan about it next time she saw him. Maybe he could understand it.

vVvVvVvVvVvVvV

The target had stopped in front of her and she could vaguely make out the illuminating glow of an activated omni-tool in the well lit hallway. She decided this was the opportunity she had been waiting for. There were still people wandering about, but they were fewer here and none would be close enough to disrupt her. Not breaking her stride as some friends called out to her, she made her way closer.

Twenty paces left. Fifteen.

Ten paces.

She could hear the sound of her heartbeats pounding in her ears.

Five.

Her tongue felt swollen and numb in the dryness of her mouth, and she clamped her fingers tightly around the small knife concealed in her garments.

Two paces.

She had to fight the urge to turn around and run. Instead, she spoke up for what was to be the last time in her life. Her voice, calm and steady, sounded alien to her ears.

"Please, tell the Commander I'm sorry."

Heads started to turn in her direction, curious faces trying to make sense of her words as she plunged the blade deep into the side of her unsuspecting victim. The instant she made contact she could feel the biotic push building in strength, cracking her ribs and crushing her internal organs to a pulp before she even hit the wall. He was fast, but caught off guard he hadn't been fast enough, and while her ruptured insides bled out into her abdomen she saw him go down. Her knife was still firmly lodged between the third and fourth rib, and as life left her broken body her thoughts went out to the two nieces, close to her like daughters, whom she prayed would now be safe.

The last thing Kelly Chambers heard was the panicked screams echoing down the corridor.

"Call for a medic! The Commander has gone down. I repeat, the Commander is down!"


	7. Chapter 7

A/N:

I have a question for you guys; Is much (or some) of my writing confusing you? I try to walk that line where I'm not spelling everything out in big black letters, but sometimes I fear that you have to be in my mind to get any of this. So, am I confusing you?

And, as always, thank you to all the people following, reviewing, and even liking this! It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Also, thank you to Skeasel. Your advice is invaluable.

* * *

Staring out at the vast void of empty space surrounding them, the XO of the SSV Stalingrad realized that he was a very old man. Far too old, in fact, and far too tired. Lt Vallery had seen all he needed to see, and done all he needed to do. Now, he just wanted to go home.

To him, losing soldiers was like losing children, and he truly believed that no parent should ever have to outlive a child. Of course, that line of reasoning had proven to be slightly impractical when serving in the Alliance, and he had never joined his fellows as they got the routine promotions or moved into the private sector as advisors. He had remained a lieutenant, agonizing over every fallen comrade and doing his utmost to spare himself that pain. They were his children, and he would be damned if he lost a single one.

From time to time, he did. And he certainly was damned.

His eyes closed as his memory replayed the scene: Alenko thrashing on the stretcher causing blood to gush out of the wound as the medics scurried past Vallery towards the medbay. People were still sitting or laying against the walls, some bleeding and all shocked and dazed after the biotic push that had slammed into them. The body of a young woman discarded in a heap like a ragdoll with limbs twisted in impossible positions and glassy eyes still staring towards the ceiling.

On his own ship. He sighed and turned towards the blond, gangly corporal approaching his side.

"Report, Ohlsson."

"Lieutenant. According to Doc, it's bad. Real bad." Ohlsson licked his lips, and Vallery's concern grew when the man wouldn't meet his gaze. "Something about pressure building in the damaged lung and a nicked artery."

Vallery just nodded to himself while his heart sank. He kept his voice low as he spoke.

"The commander needs a hospital. What about the rest of them?"

The Corporal paled slightly. "Some cuts and bruises. Nothing major. The… woman has been taken care of. All ex-Normandy personnel have been confined and isolated."

"Good, good."

It had been unheard of, an L2 commanding a ship, but that was before Captain Anderson had started throwing his political weight around. Vallery had been skeptical, mirroring the fears of the rest of the crew, and the commander had received a chilly welcome as he first stepped aboard the Stalingrad. It wasn't just the fact that he was an L2; their new CO was practically a kid. Vallery knew all too well what sort of antics it took for someone that young to get that far in the military. He'd served under them before, hotshot badasses with nifty one-liners and keen trigger fingers.

Kaidan Alenko had proven different. Patient, determined, and fiercely protective of his crew, he had earned the loyalty and dedication of every last one of them as the months passed. Of course, studying Ohlsson's uneasy features Vallery realized it was all for nothing now. The biotic had been confirmed dangerous. To his crew. To the Alliance. Vallery scrubbed his face with both hands.

Damn it all to hell.

"How far out are we?"

Corporal Ohlsson finally met his eyes before responding. "ETA at the Citadel in 14 hours 47 minutes."

"Find me something closer and hail the Normandy."

"Uh, sir." A cough and a frown caused Vallery to swear even more vehemently to himself. "The Normandy. She's gone completely dark. Dropped all coms about 30 minutes ago"

A cold, bitter laugh bubbled up in his throat, but Vallery forced it down again.

"Naturally." His lips pressed into a thin line as he came to a decision. "Then I suggest we all pray that their troubles are smaller than ours. The commander needs a hospital. Get him one ASAP, and make sure the Normandy is notified when she pops her head back up."

However, as the corporal rushed off to issue his orders, Vallery didn't pray for the Normandy. He didn't grant her a second thought. He prayed that the tortured, bloodied body of a young kid in the medbay would hold out for just a few moments longer.

vVvVvVvVvVvVvVvVvVvVv

"Looks like Alenko is trying to beat us to the bars."

Shepard, standing in her usual spot behind him, leaned in closer and he could actually catch the scent of her. She was slouching on the back of his chair and he imagined her body pressed against the leather a few inches from his shoulders. Trying even harder, he pictured the chair gone.

All in all, he decided while grinning to himself, it wasn't a bad place to be.

Frowning, she looked down at him like she was reading his thoughts.

Shit.

"Care to elaborate on that, Joker?"

He cringed in his seat. She couldn't possibly… Oh.

Right.

"Sure thing, Commander. He's leaving. Fast." A little shrug and he hoped the act of complete innocence was down to a t, Lord knew he got a lot of practice. "Can't really tell you more than that unless you wanna ungag EDI for me."

What looked to be a knowing half-smile made him a bit nervous before she dropped it and got back to business.

"Nah, those signals we picked up need to be decoded before they cut out and leave us with nothing to go on." She bit her lower lip and furrowed her brow in thought. "I just hope it's nothing serious."

Joker smirked at her, trying to lighten the mood.

"Oh, come on. Classic case of a boy with a faster toy. You know he's just rubbing my face in it."

To his relief, she laughed at that. He wasn't about to tell her anytime soon, but he was in fact worried. The Stalingrad had suddenly changed course and was pushing top speed away from them. Something was definitely up, but neither of them could do anything about it.

As if she was still tuned in to his mind, she let out a sigh and squeezed his shoulder lightly.

"Just let me know if they call on us."

He touched the brim of his cap in a mock salute. "You'll be the second to know, Shepard."

Some days he could swear that woman was a witch.

vVvVvVvVvVvVvVvVvVv

Miranda found them in amicable silence, briefly interrupted when Joker called out readings and instructions. She noted the tired slump in Shepard's shoulders, carefully disguised as relaxation, but filed it away for later consideration. For now, the signals took priority.

It was sheer luck that allowed EDI to discover them at all, masked as they were to imitate the Normandy's communications chatter with surrounding buoys. It was clever, really, but ongoing repairs of almost all their systems made by frighteningly incompetent engineers had momentarily left the ship running silent, which allowed for the signals to be picked up by EDI's sensors. She would remember to deal with those idiots later.

For now, what concerned her most was the fact that they were relying on luck to counter the Illusive Mans offensive. On the other hand, the whole campaign fighting Saren Arterius had apparently consisted of one stroke of dumb luck after the other. Maybe that was what made Shepard so special, she silently mused - reoccurring instances of dumb luck.

"I managed to single out five separate signals and decode the message." Both Shepard and Joker started at the sound of her voice, which made her feel slightly smug. She was wearing high heels on a metal floor after all.

Shepard turned to look at her and she noticed with some satisfaction that the commander's eyes at least were sharp and focused.

"Just one message?"

Nodding, Miranda acknowledged that the first question she'd asked herself was also to be Shepard's.

"Just one. It's a last known location, in all probability that of the Stalingrad."

Without leaving the support of Joker's chair, Shepard absently rubbed her neck. Equally perplexed, Miranda remained silent and simply waited.

"EDI, get our communications back online." As if trying to convince her mind to give her the answer, Shepard repeated the words in a low, urgent voice. "Just one."

The even and dispassionate voice of EDI effectively interrupted any further reflection.

"Certainly, Commander. You have a pending message from the SSV Stalingrad, would you like me to play it for you now?"

Miranda could sense rather than hear a breath catch in Shepard's throat. Narrowing her eyes slightly, she watched the commander more attentively.

"Play it."

The message was short and formal, only disclosing that Commander Alenko had been injured and a new course had been set for Omega. Had she not been looking for it, Miranda would have missed the tightness of Shepard's jaw and the slight hardening of her gaze. She made a mental note to herself never to underestimate the Illusive Man.

Joker didn't wait for orders; before the entire message had been played he was altering the navigation coordinates and adjusting vectors.

"Setting a new course for Omega. ETA 5 hours 23 minutes."


	8. Chapter 8

_He should have been there._

The quiet, dusky hospital room was empty but for the two of them. Light from the sky cars passing just outside the window occasionally broke in and fought with the shadows for domination, but it was a losing battle. Shepard looked down on the pale face below her, taking in his full lips, now bloodless and gray, and his chest just barely rising and falling with every short, shallow breath. Her throat and lungs ached as if squeezed by an ironclad fist, the pain making it impossible to think.

She couldn't breathe.

The Stalingrad had arrived at Omega almost two hours ahead of them, and when they burst into the hospital Kaidan was already in surgery. She had found his operating theatre together with Garrus and Chakwas, but as the other two were ushered back out the door she had fallen into a defensive stance and flared blue.

"Don't." One quiet word of warning had been enough to get the frightened nurse holding Shepard's arm to retreat. Chakwas turned to her with a disapproving frown.

"We need to let them work." Shepard could see something in her eyes soften. "This is not helping him."

But she couldn't. She stared at the sterile walls, the advanced medical equipment, the metal trays that surrounded her. The smell of disinfectants and blood burned in her nostrils. Shepard heard her voice break and the note of desperation in it, and she didn't even try to hide it.

"I can't."

And she knew why she should leave, she really did. The risk of infection, her being a distraction. She knew, but still she couldn't. Chakwas' eyes stayed on her face for a moment longer, then something in her seemed to give way, and she followed Garrus out.

The nurse, clearly conflicted between her professional pride and fear, gave up as well and shot Shepard a dark look.

"At least get some scrubs and wash up."

She silently complied, returning just as Kaidan flatlined. It only lasted a few seconds before the frantic medical team coaxed him back from the rim, but afterwards she had to steady herself against the wall while fighting the bile rising in her throat. Imagining living like that for two years did nothing to soothe her nausea so she killed the thought abruptly, but not before realizing that it would not be two years for her. It would be the rest of her life.

Again. She had put herself in this situation again, and she wasn't strong enough. All that drivel she had given him about fighting the fear and living, what good had it ever done her?

Later on, sitting by his bed in this desolate room praying for him to wake up, she knew.

The rest of the surgery had apparently gone well; the doctor who spoke with her afterwards seemed tired but satisfied. Not hopeful, she noticed, but satisfied. They had fought hard and bought Kaidan a chance at life, and now the rest lay out of their hands. Shepard could appreciate that.

Her hand rested in the dark curls of his hair, softly stroking it while she fought the pain clutching at her chest. Her mind was torn between tender memories of his smile, his eyes, the way he would look at her and hold her and kiss her, and dark ones of her own awakening a few months back; the pain and fear and confusion alone amidst the sterile walls, the advanced medical equipment, the metal trays.

_He should have been there._

Again, the little voice whispered in her ear, and she knew it well. She knew this whole discussion well, having had it with herself so many times before.

_He didn't know._

She clung to this, knowing that it was not enough to calm her. It was rational, and true, but never enough.

_He should have. You would have._

And as always, she wanted to protest, but this too, was true. She would have found him. Somehow, she would have.

_He could have died because of me._

She clenched her eyes tightly shut, fighting to suppress the tortured whine forming in the back of her throat.

_They all do. In the end, they all die because of you._

Taking his cool, limp hand in hers, she leaned forward until her forehead rested against it. For a long time, she just sat there, rocking herself slowly back and forth. It wasn't until she felt a heavy hand on her head that she realized she was crying.

vVvVvVvVvVvVvVvVvVv

Kaidan didn't want to open his eyes.

For now, the pain in his side was just a mild throbbing, but he had been injured before. Once the warm, hazy fog drifted from his consciousness, that would no doubt change and he didn't particularly want it to. So he waited instead, cowardly trying to will his body back to sleep.

That was before he sensed another presence close by. His biotics tingling was the first indication, but as other senses caught up he noticed that the bed was weighted down slightly on one side, and he could feel warm skin against his hand. His heart soared for a moment, thinking it was her, that she was there, but then he noticed that his hand and even the sheet beneath it was slick and wet from… tears? He hoped most of it was tears.

Curiosity forced his eyes open then, and it was her. She was there, crying.

He wondered idly if that meant he was dying, but to tell the truth, he still wouldn't expect her to cry. She would look at him, those beautiful eyes filled with agony, but she wouldn't cry. He knew he would, if the roles were reversed. He had, loosing Ash, but she had merely placed her hand on his shoulder and told him that she was so, so sorry for failing them both.

Why would she cry?

He kept still for a moment longer, torn between a need to comfort her and the fear of embarrassing her, but in the end his needs and wants won out. Amazed at how heavy it was, he lifted his free hand and reached for her. He had intended to stroke her hair gently, maybe whisper something sweet and reassuring. Instead, his strength left him halfway and his hand fell on the back of her skull with a soft thud.

Dread pooled in the pit of his stomach as he pressed his head back into the pillows. _This_ was why he didn't date, he thought to himself. No fear of crippling loss needed really, just the painstaking horror of _this_.

vVvVvVvVvVvVvVvVvVv

Shepard didn't want to open her eyes.

For a brief instant, she was very aware of the mess she had made of his hand, and she wondered if she would be able to discretely wipe it off before he noticed. More than that, however, she just wanted to stay in that space and time forever. No talking, or moving. Just holding onto him with all she had and shedding some of that fear and guilt she'd been carrying around for as long as she could remember.

With a sigh she realized that he was still hurt, and weak, and definitely not hers to use like this. She straightened her back and attempted a smile.

"How are you holding up, soldier?"

He looked back at her with a pained expression on his face, one that changed into a half smile and a content huff as she absently and oh-so-innocently started rubbing his hand. That effectively froze her movement mid-rub, mentally filing her attempt at subterfuge away under "Work In Progress."

She cleared her throat, feeling more than a bit awkward. "Well… I…"

His smile widened the same time his eyelids dropped, and Shepard watched him in silence as he fell back asleep. Closing her mouth, she retook to stroking his hand and resumed her vigil at his side.

vVvVvVvVvVvVvVvVvVv

In the busy corridor outside of Kaidan's room, Garrus had pulled up a chair and assumed his watch. Tali, Chakwas and the rest remained in the waiting room, but he just couldn't.

Assuring himself that he was staying useful - _you never let your guard down_ -he wondered how she was coping. Maybe she needed something? Perhaps some of that coffee, or food?

He tried to relax into a comfortable position, but the chair had certainly not been designed with an armored user in mind and he could feel his back crack and ache already. Slowly exhaling, he reminded himself that what she needed he couldn't give her.

And yet he waited. Staying useful.

* * *

A/N; Another busy time comming up at work, so it might be up to 2-3 weeks until the next update. I hope not though...


	9. Chapter 9

A/N;

Damn, I'm really really sorry about the delay, guys. I've pretty much been to hell and back this summer, and I forgot to pack something to write on. I will finish this story.

Thank you for the kind feedback both to Autumn715 and Zoe6, for some reason I was not able to respond to it.

Also, as always, thank you to Skeasel.

* * *

"Reports are coming in from Omega, sir."

The stunning blond bringing him a bourbon let her fingers linger for a moment, lightly brushing against his own as he accepted the glass from her hand. He looked up at her, a dry smile tugging at his lips. She would have to wait, for now. He had other, more pressing, concerns.

"Yes?"

The slightest of frowns creased her forehead as she reiterated the message. "The SSV Stalingrad docked at the station 6 hours ago, 2 hours later the Normandy followed. Asset Kelly Chambers has been terminated while making an attempt on the life of Systems Alliance Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko, who was critically wounded in the attack." She paused, looking worried as she studied his reaction to the news.

The Illusive Man simply took a sip of his drink, his blank expression betraying nothing of the irritation he felt. _That stupid cow might actually have ruined everything._ "And Shepard has been sighted?"

"Hovering over his bed since she arrived." The disdain on his assistant's face distorted her features and managed to make her look ugly. "Not much of a secret now, is it?"

He felt oddly amused that this simple woman apparently thought herself above Shepard. "Of course not. She has, no doubt, figured out that I know about them by now." He shook his head, mildly disappointed. In times like this, he missed Miranda. "Anything else in the report?"

Her frown grew deeper at his rebuke, but she carried on. "Most of the Normandy crew has been transferred over to the Stalingrad. That's it."

While taking his time to formulate a new strategy, he admired the luscious figure of his assistant. Everything perfectly rounded, perfectly inviting. Some might say that a woman like that would be impossible to resist.

Relaxing, he felt some of his confidence returning. Shepard would realize that he had played his strongest card far too soon; there was no repairing that. All he could do now was try and convince her that it had turned out to be a weak one. "Send in a cleanup crew."

"Sir, just one crew? With Shepard there?"

A single eyebrow lifted in disbelief was all the reaction he allowed himself, but his voice was sharp when he answered her. "See that it's done, Miss Stevens."

"Yes, sir." She hesitated for a moment before leaving him to his thoughts, hopefulness painted on her face. "And will you be needing my services later?"

"I will not. Commander Alenko, on the other hand, will."

vVvVvVvVvVvVvVv

Shepard awoke with a start, suddenly transferred back in time. It was all the same - white walls, sterile equipment, bursts of… gunfire? Dazed, she blinked a few times before snapping out of the memory and into combat mode, scanning the room as she drew her pistol and readied her biotics. Alenko was still unconscious and there were no hostiles on her location, but she could hear the fighting right outside the door.

She was just about to move into the hall when Garrus threw the door open and tackled her as he rushed into the room. He hardly gave Shepard a glance as he scrambled off her and took up position against the wall.

"Three targets, all of them down, but I'm expecting backup."

Taking a deep breath, she leaned out and caught a quick look of the now empty corridor before returning to cover. "Mercs? And where are the rest of our people?"

"I imagine they're on their way here." Garrus caught her eye and held it. "And no, Shepard. Not mercs."

She swore under her breath, words fueled more by confusion than anger. After braving another look through the doorway, she relaxed her stance. "Clear." They moved together through the ward, carefully checking every room for more hostiles. All they found were nurses and a few patients, each scared witless and none susceptible to her hurried reassurances. Shepard was just about to holster her pistol and start investigating the dead when she noticed Tali's head peak out from behind a door leading to the stairs.

"We're all clear, Tali."

The quarian stepped out to join them, suspiciously eyeing the three bodies on the floor. Without asking, Garrus knew exactly what she was thinking.

"This was not a serious attempt," he grumbled.

Shepard didn't look at him, instead she busied herself rummaging through the pockets of the would-be assassins. "Saren once deemed it sufficient to send two thugs after me," she said, "but I agree." A thought suddenly occurred to her. "Unless they didn't expect us to be here."

Garrus just snorted and Tali shook her head. "Then the Illusive Man doesn't know you very well, Shepard."

Pausing, Shepard rested on her haunches and looked up at them. "No, think about it. Why would Alenko even be a target?" Unconsciously, she wiped the worst of the blood off her hands on the unmoving heaps of armor beneath her before she stood. "His presence on the Normandy is what started all of this, and now he's the first one they go after? It doesn't make any sense. None of this makes any sense."

The three of them stared at the dead men in silence, as if an explanation could be read on their faces if only one concentrated hard enough. In the end, Tali was the first to abandon the notion.

"We should inform Chakwas. I left her with Lieutenant Vallery and a few marines in the waiting room." She strode back towards the same staircase she had climbed to get there just as Shepard's comm. sparked to life.

"Shepard?" Joker's voice rang loud in the stillness of the ward, and Shepard realized how odd it was to have gunned down three men in a public hospital with no local law enforcement bearing down on her whatsoever. On Omega, nobody cared.

"I'm here, Joker."

Tali stopped to listen, cocking her head to the side as she turned to look at Shepard and Garrus.

"I've got Councilor Anderson on the line for you, Commander. Apparently, he wants a report."

Garrus grunted a little at that, but no one moved. Kaidan's XO would have made his report to the Alliance already, and Shepard… Well, Shepard didn't really do reports anymore. The Illusive Man had always been on a need-to-know basis, and the council never wanted to know. He could see her chew on her lip in thought.

"Patch him through."

There was a brief pause on the line before the deep voice of the councilor came through.

"Shepard, I heard about the situation. How's he holding up?"

She threw the others a doubtful glance, was this a social call? They seemed as baffled as she was. "He appears to be out of the woods for now, sir." Her mind raced, trying to decide how much to divulge to her old friend. "Recently, another attempt was made. A failed one," she hurriedly added when the man gasped.

"I don't like this, Shepard. If Cerberus is after Alenko, I don't want him anywhere near that damn ship of yours."

She could easily picture him standing there, scolding her with his hands on his back and that look of am-I-making-myself-clear in his eyes. It made her smile fondly; she never had bought that particular act. "I suppose that's something you'll have to discuss with the commander, sir. However, I am taking precautions." Raising her chin and straightening her back, she made a promise she had every intention on keeping. "This won't happen again."

Another pause, then Anderson's voice returned. This time, it sounded more pensive than anything.

"See that it doesn't. And come talk to me on the Citadel."

"That's the plan, sir." Shepard sighed, suddenly feeling very weary. Speaking to him now, she realized how much she relied on his support - not in a tangible way, he hadn't been able to do her any good in that department for years - but he'd always stood by her. Believed in her.

She needed that.

"Sir, if that'll be all?"

"It is." She was going to end the call when he added, as if something of an afterthought. "Oh, and get Commander Alenko to contact that girlfriend of his, tell her he's alright. She's been hounding me all day."

All Shepard could do was close her eyes and concentrate on her breathing. "I'll do that, sir." When she opened them again, she caught her companions watching her intently out of the corner of her eye. "Shepard out."

Turning back around towards the stairs, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy was shaking her head and muttering, mostly to herself.

"I guess that might explain why Kaidan would be alone."


	10. Chapter 10

I'm really sorry this isn't a new chapter, I know that it's long overdue, but I promised you guys to shape up and get things back on track and I feel that I owe you an explanation.

Long story short; my dad got cancer, so I'm trying to take over the family business, and now it turns out I'm about 4 months pregnant.

I don't know how this will all pan out, but I do know that I won't be able to update every two weeks. I'm really sorry about this, and I thank all of you for your patience so far. I guess this is me saying that the story is on hiatus. :-(


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